


we go together (or not at all)

by okayhotshot



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M, Please Don't Kill Me, this is all in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 17:11:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7582714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okayhotshot/pseuds/okayhotshot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There was a time when things seemed so simple. </p>
<p>But that was when they were five and promises were meant to be kept and secrets were meant to be exchanged and late night laughter was stifled by hands covering mouths."</p>
<p>Poe reflects on his time with Ben Solo after the fall of the Jedi Academy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we go together (or not at all)

There was a time when things seemed so simple. 

But that was when they were five and promises were meant to be kept and secrets were meant to be exchanged and late night laughter was stifled by hands covering mouths. When their biggest worry was whether or not Leia would catch them up past their bedtime and the only lie they had told involved how the window to the Falcon had been busted. That was when they were young boys, full of life and laughter, and unable to know what life would have in store for them.  When they looked up to their parents and Han would tell them bedtime stories. That was when the could barely imagine being as incredible as the stories they would hear, and they would play games in the backyard.

They were best friends. Nearly inseparable. They would steal cookies from the kitchen and make a mess in the ‘fresher. If one of them did something wrong, the other would keep their lips sealed. They went down together, or not at all.

He remembers fondly one conversation they had in the dead of night while the stars hung high and the only light in the room came from the moons.

"Hey, Ben,” Poe whispered, turning onto his side to look at his friend beside of him. “We’re always going to be friends, right?”

That's when Ben shifted to look at him, smiling at the question. “Course we will. Promise.”

But like he said, that's back when promises were meant to be kept.

There was a time when things seemed more complicated. Secrets danced between them and darkness surrounded some of their conversations. But that's when they were twelve and puberty was settling in. Nothing was as it seemed and they just rolled with the punches.

That's when Poe started to realize he didn't just like girls. He liked boys, too. Specifically Ben. The way his brown eyes danced with laughter, the way his smile could light up a room. That was one of the secrets he didn't want to share. He didn't want Ben to see him differently, to think he was strange. Even though he knew that it wasn't wrong, sometimes it felt that way.

That's when he knew that they might not be friends forever. Ben’s powers were too out of control, and Leia was getting scared. They often heard Ben’s parents whispering about sending him off to the Jedi Academy and that's when Poe would take Ben’s hand and hold it tight. It was a simple gesture, one to offer comfort, but it always made his heart beat faster and his cheeks flush red. He was always thankful for the darkness.

He never imagined things would be like this. He thought they might join the Academy together. Learn to fly and fight in battles so great that they might even outshine their parents.

But between stolen kisses and shaking hands, something darker was brewing. Neither of them saw it coming. Poe always thought the gloom would pass, the clouds would clear and the sky would open up for them again. He never imagined things would be so complicated.

“Maybe being a Jedi wouldn't be so bad,” Ben said one night as they sat on the roof, counting the stars, their fingers intertwined like they might never let go.

“But then you'd have to go away,” Poe said, glancing over at Ben. He couldn't imagine the short visits and holo calls. But if it’s what Ben wanted, he would never try to talk him out of it.

“I know,” Ben said, his darting to his friend before they found the stars once again. “But think about it. You could be the best pilot in the galaxy and I could be your Jedi partner. Imagine all the things we could do together.”

Poe smiled a little at this, squeezing Ben’s hand a little tighter. “I think you’d make a great Jedi. If it’s really what you want to do, I think you should do it.”

But even as the words left his mouth, he thought about taking them back. He didn’t want his best friend to leave. What would he do without him? What sort of trouble would he get into on his own? Who would hold his hand in the dead of night when nothing seemed like it was going to be okay in the morning?

But it seemed that Ben had his mind made up before getting Poe’s approval. The very next day Ben came bounding into Poe’s bedroom to tell him that he’d be going to train with his Uncle Luke in a matter of days. Poe remembers that he swallowed hard before forcing a smile on his face and telling him how happy he was for him.

There was a time when things didn’t seem so simple anymore. When everything was depressing and dark, and Poe felt a sense of dread that he never knew could exist. That was the day that Ben was leaving for the Jedi Academy.

“We’ll keep in touch,” Ben promised, both of his hands wrapped in Poe’s. “Don’t worry. We’re always going to have each other, remember?”

“Of course,” Poe said, giving Ben’s hands a squeeze.

“I have something I want to give you,” Ben finally said, only letting go of Poe to dig into his pocket. “I think my dad said this was the original engagement ring he gave to my mom. They didn’t have a lot back then. Just like I don’t. But I want you to have this. Keep it safe for me while I’m gone. Can you do that, Poe?”

Poe nodded, feeling tears prick at his eyes. Even with all the hand holding and  shared kisses, Poe always wondered just where they stood. But this felt like it was Ben’s way of telling him that they were more than friends. Somehow, they always had been.

“You know I can,” he replied, reaching out and taking the old ring from Ben. He turned it over in his hand, feeling the surface with his thumb. “I won’t let anything happen to it.”

Ben smiled at Poe then and Poe felt like his heart did a flip inside of his chest. They didn’t have to say anything. They loved each other. Both of them knew that. They didn’t have to be older to know what love was, they felt it, they saw it every day and they knew it well. But Poe also knew that first loves aren’t always meant to last.

There was a time when Poe didn’t even know what the word simple meant anymore. That’s when he was fifteen and struggling to remember what it was like not to worry all of the time. That was when all he saw of Ben was a hologram a couple of times a week, twice at the most, and he was getting prepared to learn how to be the best damn pilot the galaxy had ever seen.

That was when his hormones were telling him to flirt with everyone in sight, but the ring that hung around his neck kept him from doing so. He would remember Ben, how he had practically promised to wait for him. And he couldn’t betray him, couldn’t break his heart. He didn’t want to. He still loved Ben, regardless of what might have happened to him at the Academy.

He had noticed that Ben had started to become sadder. He seemed to resent his time training and always had something to complain about. It was a far cry from the Ben Solo that had left Poe Dameron behind and he started to worry that something awful was happening to him. He wasn’t alone. Leia seemed sure of the same thing, but Luke always assured them that they were overreacting. That training simply took a lot out of him.

Poe wasn’t so sure.

There was a time when everything hurt. When Leia looked him in the eye and told him what happened at the Jedi Academy, tears in her eyes. Ben was dead and Luke had fled. Poe could barely breathe. That was when he was sixteen and life was supposed to be at it’s peak.

He remembered the certainty in Ben’s voice when he told him that he would be back, that they would be together again. That they would take on the galaxy together and have their own adventures. He should have known that it was all talk, a silly childhood dream that would never be fulfilled.

He tries to remember him now as he sits by Finn’s bedside, playing with the ring around his neck. Now he knows the truth. Ben isn’t dead. He’s Kylo Ren. He wishes that he had never learned this information, wishes that it could still be some secret that Leia could keep from him. But he knows. Ben fell to the dark side and he’s not coming back.

It makes everything that’s happened hurt that much more. The interrogation, the kidnaping.  There was a time when the person behind that mask loved him and offered him comfort when he needed it most, and now he’s gone, completely lost to the darkness that had apparently always been inside of him. 

Poe used to be thankful for the darkness. Now he resents it.

  
  



End file.
